Someone once said "Put a thousand monkeys behind typewriters, and they will eventually create all the works of Shakespeare." Thanks to the internet, this idea has been proven completely fucking wrong! All the emo bloggers out there posting every mood swing, anime freaks talking about how big their chi is, and miles of pointless crap you have to bog through. Well, here is some more crap. Here is a tall tale that turns out warm and bitter sweet in the end.
So there I was silently napping, something I don't do often, when all of a sudden I gently hear my lovely Hunnie Bunnie sit by my side and grumble "Ummm, the toilet is broken". Of course this isn't the ideal way to start waking up. After some half delusional inquiries I had come the the deducted conclusion that she had accidentally dropped her deodorant into an already processing toilet. Somehow the swirl of psychic mind-melding water flow had a reaction with her equilibrium causing her to loose balance, and in the process of saving herself she had dropped the poor, innocent deodorant. Either that or shes just a fucking clutz.
All efforts to retrieve the lost Deodorant of D'Stink was an utter failure. Many men were lost, many lives were ruined, and I spent $8 on a plunger that didn't work. The Coat-Hanger seamlessly gave his life for the cause. However I think he was confused, he may thought of the mission was a back alley abortion. No worries Coat-Hanger, you will meet your dead baby an bleach soon... very very soon. We must prevail! The water MUST flow yet again!
Unfortunately I didn't notice a ticking time bomb that slowly matured. Mother Nature, thou are a crewel bitch.
Almost three days later and the urge to poop was upon me. To cast all evil out of my bowels, and purge myself of all filth. The Catholics would be disappointed. Of course this was the crack of night and nothing in a 5 mile radius was awake and willing to let me BM in their Loo'. Of course the obvious 'Loaf on a lawn' idea did pop up, but being dead winter and quite frigid out, I would think the Sphincter Gods would not bless the occasion. They would perhaps smite me in ways only German scat films, or rabbits with the Screamin' Shits could only depict.
I pack my bags and go on a hike around the ol' ghost town. With my laptop Apollo on my back I start trolling for possible drop sites. The first location that came to mind was a local coffee shop I frequent. Since I'm there often, the people that manage the facility dont like me. Probably because I am an asshole, possible because my shit doesn't smell like curry powder and rotten dog meat. Either way, they were quite reluctant to let me download. BAH! Puny ingrate mortals, I shall seek my revenge... but not today, I need to poop, and poop I shall!
Backtracking to whence I came and soon crossing my point of origins, I continue on in the totally fucking opposite direction to the next means of defecation passing an all Asian, ultra bright blue neon and LED bar. I'm sorry my yellow skin stereotypes, not today. Moving on I soon come to the next dunn'. Closed. Dear lord thank you for this butt puckering cold. Walking back AGAIN I approach the blaring ultra bright blue bar. Being greeted by a very low brow bouncer wasn't something I expected, neither was being asked for ID. Those that know me fully understand why I do not carry ID. I can be who I want, when I want, this moment was no different. This is getting ridiculous. The things I have to deal with to take a crap.
Its about 2AM and I find myself standing in this Asian bar cram packed with the most typical stereotypes you could ever imagine. It was like I walked right into a really bad anime, mainly because nobody had perky tits, dandruff free hair, or a glistening sticky overcoat on their skin. Lets not mention the smell of shaved cats or really bad looking teeth. Why are Asian people attracted to really bright blue lights? Fuck, now I'm standing here trying to assess the situation when the bouncer asks "You needing something?". "Nope, just waiting for someone." "You think you have the right place?" Yeah, I'm sure, seeing how its the only place in 5 miles I can think of that has a shitter. "I think I'm in the right place..." At this point I badger the bouncer with as many annoying questions and pathetic small talk as possible. I figure if this guy finds me annoying enough, he will give me what I want just to get rid of me. If need be ill give him a free Cleveland Steamer. I make sure to walk in and out of the front door as many times as possible, that way the fucker cant stay warm. The constant cold chilly air rushes in directly at him. I pretend to be on my cell phone to avoid any transient and unnecessary conversation. Ten minutes into this whole ordeal I exclaim "Hey, mind if I bleed the lizard, the cold air is tickling my pecker". The bouncer promptly points me in the direction "'Round the corner, downstairs".
Heading down the stairs I get stares of an indignant nature. The hell with you, squinties, wait till' I leave, then lets see what you think. I enter the bathroom not with a quint sigh of relief, but with a sense of calm admiration. This is the eye of the storm, well, more like the sphincter, but to each their own. Lucky I am a man that follows the idea 'Plan for the worst, hope for the best'. With that idea in mind I had well prepared my journey by packing my own toilet paper, cause shit happens, and when it does, be prepared.
As I sit on my borrowed porcelain throne I ponder the passive contents in my bag of many tricks. Hearing the locals in the thickest of Asian anime accents, breathing through their lack of testosterone, all I understand is the phrase "yo nigga". Thinking quietly I find a strange sense of humility in their presence. I was tempted by the Electron Gods to summon the powers of Apollo and his beefed up 2.4Ghz WiFi antenna and entertain my brain meats while I sit quietly. I figure you shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you, or worse... hack the bowl you shit in. I finished performing my civil duty, gathered my things and left the bar. Of course I pretended to be on the phone yet again to avoid any stray stares and unwanted conversation from the locals.
This concludes my adventure. I leave you now with a tale to tell the grandchildren, god forbid you ever do breed.
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